Old White Guy Rants About Chance The Rapper

Just in case you missed the steaming dump that Phil Mushnick decided to drop on the pages of the porcelain bowl called the New York Post, the washed up writer and generally shitty human being decided to let loose a volley of thinly veiled prejudice towards Chance the Rapper.

For Mushnick, the idea that the Chicago White Sox, Chance’s hometown team and one that he frequently supports, would ever take on a rapper as a spokesperson is mind-blowing. Since Mushnick surely wouldn’t be caught dead listening to anything rap related, in order to confirm all of his biases he decided to “[spin] the Google wheel” and find A SINGLE song within Chance’s catalog.

Smoke Again,” the three-year old song from Acid Rap may not be the greatest thing to glorify and it would be fair to have qualms about using that artist as a spokesperson if that were characteristic of their catalog. That’s just not the case here.

Chance is the rapper that flipped the theme song from a popular children’s tv show into a free release for fans; Chance is the man who raised enough money for more than 1,000 coats for the homeless of Chicago. Of course, these fail to make Mushnick’s piece because why would they? It’s not like they would help shape our idea of who Chance is as a person.

More than any other reason, Chance deserves to be the ambassador for the White Sox because he’s spent his whole career giving back to the city that raised him. From hosting open mic events for Chicagoland high schoolers to addressing the gun violence that pervades his city, Chance has been what most people would consider a pretty upstanding member of the community.

Why would a sports columnist choose to focus on those things though when all he wants to do is confirm his stereotypical idea of a what a young African-American unwed father should be?  While Mushnick may not believe in doing journalistic research, we at True Too aspire to not be the human equivalent of flaming bags of dog feces so we decided to find some of Mushnick’s more choice quotes that we can all hope our children never consider acceptable.

In 2005, the incredibly talented police dog writing under the pen name Phil Mushnick criticized Stephen A Smith of ESPN, spewing up this gem from deep within his apparently bottomless rectum: “Could it be that Smith’s urban street-hip brotha yak—which he seems able to turn on and off with the drop of a Kangol—is supposed to appeal / pander to young, urban, street-talkin’ sports fans?” 

This was far from his last brush with casual racism though; in 2012, Mushnick decided to climb right back onto his rocking chair on his plantation’s porch and rant the following about Tiger Woods: “For a dozen years, as seen on TV, Woods cursed and threw clubs (and himself) around golf courses. This was ignored or excused, and even rationalized and admired as evidence of his superior determination, perfectionism and unparalleled desire to succeed.”

As if that wasn’t enough for one day, further down in that same column, the Don Imus wannabe wrote the following about Jay-Z shortly after his purchase of the Brooklyn Nets: “As long as the Nets are allowing Jay-Z to call their marketing shots — what a shock that he chose black and white as the new team colors to stress, as the Nets explained, their new “urban” home — why not have him apply the full Jay-Z treatment?

Why the Brooklyn Nets when they can be the New York N——s? The cheerleaders could be the Brooklyn B—-hes or Hoes. Team logo? A 9 mm with hollow-tip shell casings strewn beneath. Wanna be Jay-Z hip? Then go all the way!”

In the death heaves of his column, Mushnick challenges ESPN radio hosts Mike Green and Mike Golic to read lyrics of Chance’s on air. To help them out, we’ve compiled some of our favorites below:

I like my love with a budget, I like my hugs with a scent/ You smell like light, gas, water, electricity, rent” from “Sunday Candy” (about his grandmother)

I guess that’s why they call it where I stay/Clean up the streets so my daughter will have somewhere to play” from “Angels” (about ending gun violence in Chicago)

“What’s better than followers is actually falling in love
What’s better than frolicking, follies, fallin’ in mud,
Rolling in green pastures, wandering following love
What’s better than eating is feeding your fam”
from “Interlude (That’s Love)”

Maybe it’s just a generational thing or maybe I’m just not the type of person to pull the “I Have a Black Friend” card but I’d much rather my children be exposed to Chance the Rapper than ever have to read a word of Phil Mushnick’s writing. Go climb a tall tree Phil Mushnick.

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